Raising children or raising adults?

Recently I attended a seminar hosted by Life College called Counseling Teens. The speaker, Dr. Larry Keefauver, not only shared his wisdom on the topic but was also very entertaining.
Obviously I am not going to cram an 8 hour seminar into one blog. Below are just some thoughts that are still lingering in my mind.

As parents, we raise adults, not children. This concept taught by Dr. Larry tops my list.
What does it mean? Basically what we do and say during our children's early years is going to shape their future as an adult. You are probably saying "yeah, I already knew that!". So my question would be, "what are you doing about it?" or "what did you do about it?" (depending on whether you are reaching, have reached or have already past those teenage years). Wisdom is the correct application of knowledge.
Sitting in that seminar just reaffirmed what I already believed: If I want to avoid (or at least reduce) teenage problems, I have to start doing the right things now when my Karina (4 yrs) and Damus (2 yrs) still thinks I'm the greatest mom on earth.

So, how do we raise adults? No, it's not making sure our children have an overabundance of tuition classes or extra curricular activities. Flooding our children with material luxuries is not going to hit the jackpot either. It's all about relationship and communication!

With reference to teenagers and quality time with parents, Dr. Larry gave a very disheartening but true to the heart statistic: On an average, mothers spend less than 15 minutes a day with her teenager and fathers, less than 7 minutes a day. Reflect back on your own teenage years to see if this is true. Reflect on your own children to see if this is true.

It is my opinion that communication is the key to any relationship. What can we do to foster such communication when children are young?

1. Read to your child everyday. It doesn't matter if they can read on their own. Read to them. Use this time to open discussions. Make it as relaxed as possible and not a time to question or test their intellect.
2. Play with your children. Let them dictate what, where and how to do. Don't be afraid to be silly. And most importantly, don't view it as a waste of time. I know it can seem so when the laundry and dirty dishes are calling. But they can wait for 15 minutes. Bonding is priceless and outranks housework anytime.
3. Focus on the positive. Don't you agree that parents tend to be on an automatic negative mode. It is so easy to point out everything our children do wrong? But it takes mental effort to give praise and speak uplifting words. Good news is that it is a habit that can be cultivated. Go ahead and give at least 10 praises to your children tomorrow.
4. Family night once a week. Come together as a family once a week where parents share important messages of truth (such as obedience, honesty, respect, kindness, forgiveness, integrity etc...). Communication is a two way street so children get to air out their feelings as well. This is also a time for the family to have activities together and not forgetting, dessert and treats afterwards.
5. Making house rules known and consistent disciplinary action. Children need to know what is expected of them. Expectations must be reasonable of course. Don't expect a 3 year old to sit through 1 hour of homework.
   They must also learn that for every action, there is a consequence. They must be given the freedom to choose their consequences whether it be good or bad. However remember that our main goal is "raising adults". Discipline with love as love overcomes all boundaries. Therefore always check that we do not manipulate, dominate or intimidate.

Investing our time in our children takes more effort than investing in material wealth. We must be patient in our sacrifice for our efforts will only show forth in the distant future. Let us make deposits in this intangible bank today so we may be made rich in the days our knees become feeble and eyesight dim.

Microfibre cloths - You can live without it, but why would you?

Being a woman, and with kids in addition to that, life can be such a mess. Everyday, I have to deal with:

• Oops mom! I spilt it again... and again... and again.
• Nooooo Damus! Food has to stay in your plate. Not on the table and not on the floor.
• Haiya Damus! Mummy already told you to draw only on paper. See, this is floor, this is paper.
• Ahchoo! Ahchoo! Honey, I think there is too much dust around. I'm getting sick. The kids are getting sick.
• Why the fan moving so slow ah? I think it's time to get rid of all that black stuff clinging to it.
• Mom, Damus spit out on the floor again.

The best thing a friend ever did for me was to introduce me to microfibre cleaning cloths. Life is just sooooo much bearable now.

Kitchen grime? Dirty bathroom tiles? Spilt juice? Crayon marks on the floor? Dusty fans? Dirty car? NO PROBLEM. I can handle it all now.

Before my microfibre cloth era, cleaning always began with a hunt for a reasonably ok rag. Yup, the usual act of going through old T-shirts and towels. Then it is "chit-chit" here and "chit-chit" there. Definately have to use cleaning chemicals or nothing gets cleaned. Once done, the rag goes into the trash can. Haiya, so dirty already and soaked with chemicals, might as well throw it out.
Sigh! Cleaning is the synonym to troublesome, time consuming, messy and work. It is so demotivating to think about cleaning. But you know what, you just can't run away from it. Even if you are lucky enough to hire someone to clean for you, it is still your responsibility to make sure it's done right.

Now with my microfibre cloths, cleaning is synonym to fast, easy, and chemical free. I just grab the cloth, wet it, wring it, and then clean, clean, clean. That's all to it. Oh, of course have to wash the cloth after that lah. But that is not too difficult either. Being the lazy person that I am when it comes to cleaning, the microfibre cloth is actually quite motivating. Who wouldn't get excited to see dirt, grime or whatever come off so effortlessly. It makes me feel like I'm soooo clever to keep my home clean. Anyone can also be soooo clever in cleaning. All you need is the right tool in your hand. And I love the idea that I do not have to use chemicals. I don't have to worry anymore about getting chemicals in my food and kitchen utensils or stuff that my kids will touch and play with.

You know, my friend was right when she said many people are in the dark ages when it comes to cleaning. People invest in the latest computer technology, high-tech electrical stuff, and the best educational programs for their children. But when it comes to cleaning tools, we still stick to our dirty, ineffective rags. Why?

There are tools out there that women can use to make their lives and the lives of their family better. Cut down on your chemical usage now! Make your life easier and your home cleaner. The microfibre cloth is a tool no woman should be without. You can live without it, but I wouldn't recommend it.

For more information on microfibre cloths in Malaysia, check out www.microfibreshop.com

You made me lie

"ARE YOU LYING?" My poor little 3 1/2 yr old looks at her daddy and innocently says "No!"
"Once again I ask you, did you do it?". Once again, she looks him in the eye and says "NO!!"

We both knew this little girl had pooped on the bathroom floor instead of the toilet but she just didn't want to admit it. She even played the "Damus did it" card. Unfortunately for her, she hadn't calculated that little 17 month old Damus was still in his diapers and would rather poop in his pants than on a bathroom floor.

This is not the first time Karina had lied to us. There have been other occasions where she wouldn't admit her mistake. This was very unsettling to me. Hey! I thought children were suppose to be innocent and naive. Is she the exception to the rule? What are we going to do about this? What trick does this mama have to pull out from her bag?

The only difference between the above scenario and many other previous scenarios is that this time, I was the observer and not the one with dagger eyes holding an axe. With my eyes and ears opened wide, it suddenly dawned on me "WE MADE HER LIE".

Kids are innocent. That doesn't mean they are dumb. Why would they want to answer in the affirmative to a question asked in a threatening way? The words that come out of our mouth is "Did you do it?" but our tone and body language is really saying "I know you did it. Just admit it so I can yell more and give you a punishment you will never forget." Sooooo... who taught her how to lie? It's quite obvious WE DID.

Since my head was clearer this time, I decided to take a different approach. Instead of the usual interrogate till they break, I decided to just go straight to the "I already know you did it, let me guess why."
So, in this instance, I changed the line of questioning from "did you do it?" to "were you scared to go to the toilet by yourself?". There was less anger, less fear of punishment and we got the confession we wanted to hear. So hey, that's another trick this mama has in her bag.

You know, I have had my share of reading about parenting tips, do's and don'ts. And most of the time while reading, I hear myself saying, "Haiya, it's only common sense." But you know what, I've found that in reality, common sense is not so common after all. It's only common sense after we read it or discover it.

Old kid on a new blog

"Why don't you start blogging?" That's what my husband Andy says to me.

What???!! Me... blog?? What do I write? Why would anyone want to read what I have to say? Do I even have anything to say?
"Just write down your thoughts" says he.
Geez, wouldn't it be like publicizing my life journal for all to see and comment? I must say I am sort of intimidated about this blogging thing. Even keeping a journal has not been smooth sailing. I'm good if I can get one entry every 3 months. Do I even remember where my journal is??
So, what am I doing here you might say. Well... after giving much thought to "D" question, I guess it might do me some good. How?
1. When I'm dead and gone, someone might remember me and what I wrote. Reading what I've blogged they would have a better idea of who I am... more than just my name and what I have done. Leaving a mark in this temporary world is not a bad motivator. Well, for me it is.
2. If you don't sharpen the blade, it gets blunt and stays blunt. I know I can write. I just haven't done it in a long, looooong while. Better start and keep at it before I lose more brain cells.
3. Because I've been CHALLENGED. Must show my DH I can rise to the challenge.
4. So who cares if no one cares what I have to say. I'll say it anyway.

So here goes to my "career" in blogging (raising my cup). Cheers everyone.