This anger management thingy is really tough to do. I'm like a drug addict trying to be rehabilitated but get's drawn back into the nasty stuff. There were plenty of bad vibes the last couple of days - screaming, threatenings, cynical remarks, anger etc.... Yech! As I'm talking with a raised voice I can hear a smaller voice inside warning me. BUT it's difficult to stop a bullet train.
Anyway, finally had a counseling session with my DH. No, he is no Freud with a couch but he gave very good insights. Hmmm... when did he travel to the higher plane?
Basically we came to this solution: Ai Lian needs to get rid of the spirit of contention by learning to have more CHARITY.
Not the give-away-money kind of charity, but the pure-love-of-Jesus kind of charity. The one that spells unconditional love, patience, selfless, forgiving etc....
Since becoming a parent I've been reading "how-to" parenting books. Tried to read another one the last few nights but was unsuccessful. Mainly because I felt like a hypocrite and it would prove useless. Useless? Yeah, it's like trying to improve your golf game. You need to work on your weaknesses and not your strengths to get better. I can score an "A" in the theories of parenting but am currently flunking in the practical exam.
My DH is right. If I'm going to win this battle, it's got to be directed by a higher law - CHARITY. All the theories, tips and tricks I read and conjure up ain't gonna work if I don't have the key that governs it all.
So today I decided I was going to do the right thing. BUT before noon, I was back to being Monster Mom. Getting my daughter to finish her homework tends to do that to me. Anyway, I have blogged before on how to make this preschool homework less stressful for parents. So how come I'm not taking my own medicine? Well, bad habits die hard but they can be killed. Charity... I tell ya, that's the weapon to use.
Remembering about getting rid of contention, I took some time out and asked myself:
1. "Is she the enemy?" - NO. So stop talking like she is.
2. "What should your intention be?" - Helping. Teaching. Stop trying to teach her a lesson.
3. "What are you doing to help?" - Nothing at the moment. I'm just making things worse.
4. "What are you going to do?" - Show her I care. Make sure she FEELS that care. Use positive words.
So looking at my daughter with new eyes and a changed heart, I asked her to sit on my lap and we were going to do the homework TOGETHER. At first she was very negative. I told myself that I must not blame her for that as I was the contributing factor to that "wall of defense."
To cut the story short, I manage to get my daughter to finish her homework in a very short time, without complaining, and she had fun. All I did was say, "ready, set, go 1, 2, 3, 4...." As she wrote, I counted. And the fun was to see the different lengths of time she took to complete one word. And she thought it was fun to beat the previous timings. So she wrote faster and faster. See! Charity works.
Man, it's going to be an uphill battle for me to shed myself of a bad habit and replace it with CHARITY. I know there will be times I'm going to slide backwards. And when I do I will go back to the picture I have of Jesus with this saying "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it."
Thought provoking post! I enjoyed it. I have experienced that bullet train, and spend many hours in therapy talking about it. I've gotten better but when I have a bad day the guilt is even worse. But it just takes practice everyday, over and over. And, you know, Charity. ;)
ReplyDeleteHi Kris,
ReplyDeleteI know about the guilt part. It's terrible isn't it. Important thing is we must be adult enough to apologize to the kids after the episodes, don't you agree? And like you say, practice, practice, practice. We certainly have much opportunities for practice.